Freak of Nature
I just returned home from a bachelorette weekend in Santa Barbara with a dozen married and under 30 Jewish women. I’m single and over thirty. Need I say more? Honestly, it felt like they were just staring at me like I was a unicorn or something. And maybe they weren’t. It’s quite possible I was projecting, as I was the only single girlfriend there (well, there was Rachel, but she’s in college so that doesn’t count). Anyway, it’s truly wild what spending time with them felt like for me. Driving up I was so excited for this weekend. Two days in Santa Barbara in a lovely hotel on the beach with really fun events planned. But, after two days of an entire conversation devoted to THEIR marriages, I felt depleted. And sad. Now, the exhaustion was real. We went on a spectacular wine tour, played every penis party game known to any efficient maid of honor, danced until dawn and drank too much champagne. But the sadness threw me. I never expected to feel so out of place. I was isolated and alone in a group of many. Doubts kept coming to mind. Why am I single? Is there something wrong with me? I thought these questions were 20th century (when I was in my twenties and didn’t know better). I mean, wasn’t I more evolved than this? I thought I was mature: a genuine “adult.” I enjoy being single and in fact, feel so comfortable sleeping alone and RSVP-ing for one that I’ve wondered if I will ever get married. Getting married is not a destination for me. It never has been. I believe in love. Raw, unabashed, totally inconvenient don’t want to live without him kind of love. And maybe that’s what these girls have. All twelve of them. If so, I celebrate that. But, to feel sad or that I’m somehow missing out on life because I haven’t found mine yet is just plain wrong. I may not meet my man for years to come but being single doesn’t make me a freak of nature. Holding on to true love, the kind that ancient sonnets are inspired by, through living in and being fully present to the magic of this beautiful world, and where this love ultimately dwells within me, does.
