Wedding News
My Dad got married today. He’s been dating Anne, a smart, vivacious and lovely woman for about 18 months. Recently she moved from Canada to live with him in Santa Barbara. This past Wednesday he called me to say he had “big news.” They were getting married. They wanted a private ceremony and asked if I was available on Saturday?
My initial reaction was joy. I couldn’t be happier for them because I truly believe they’re a perfect match. But after saying I’d clear my schedule, I hung up the phone and sat in my car stunned. I didn’t know what I was feeling but I couldn’t move. A few minutes later, my sister Keisha texted asking if Dad had called me? I called her back and next thing I knew I was crying. Then I started sobbing. I explained to Keisha that I felt bad for crying because the sadness had nothing to do with them. The tears were because of my own longing for true love. I was ashamed at my selfishness. How did their wedding have anything to with me? Because the two of them finding one another against international odds brought up a deeply rooted cry of, “Where was mine?”
My sister let me cry until I couldn’t anymore. We talked about what I was feeling and then I thanked her and said I had to go because I was meeting a friend for lunch and had to “get myself together.” Which is the worst, by the way. Pretending to be happy when you’re hurting is the epitome of all I’m against but I didn’t want to cancel last minute. So I drove into Beverly Hills and met my friend for a lovely and fake lunch. As I was driving home, I started crying again. God, where was all this coming from? I’m happy being single. I don’t feel lonely. So why such despair? Once home and laying on my couch I realized it wasn’t because I wanted a boyfriend. That was too small for a pain so big. So I continued digging and thought it was because my Dad getting married meant that I’d never be as close with him as I longed for now that he had Anne. Ooh, that seemed to hit the spot because I’ve spent a lifetime wanting more connection with him. But after sitting with those feelings for a long time it still didn’t feel right so I decided to go deeper. What was I wanting? What was my soul literally crying out for? I felt like a desperate mother saying to her crying baby that can’t speak yet, “What? What baby, what is it?” Then I got another hit. I wanted a deeper connection with myself. Well, that was just too exhausting so I fell asleep.
Meanwhile I had dinner plans with two new friends. I barely knew one and the other was her best friend and this was our first dinner so I wanted to feel “up” – not ideal timing. I don’t know why but something said not to cancel. When I woke from my nap I was in a daze. The drama had subsided but I had a low level lingering. I didn’t get up. I just started breathing. One long breath at a time and then I got very still. I was present. In this presence, I was able to get the final piece of what the “wedding news” was trying to give. My longing is for connection not only with myself but with ALL – humanity, the world, the Universe and God*. And, it was already within me. That was the message. Nothing new and certainly not surprising, but for some reason and on this day, I got it. My heart had cracked open just a little bit bigger. I laid there for a long while with gratitude on my face. Then I got up showered and drove across town to meet my two new friends for what turned out to be one of the most magically fulfilling evenings in a long time. I never mentioned my day to them. I didn’t need to. It was already complete and I was in a new now moment.
Why this day was so important to me is clear. If I had bypassed the original thought of “Where was mine?”, I’d still be thinking I needed a relationship to be happy. But, because I was willing and unrelenting in my inquiry, I got to the root. So many times we check out and skip over what could be a beautiful message, if only we were present to receiving. And worse, we carry the blind spots within us and the effect shows up all over lives. We then become passive agressive or make poor choices in our attempt for pseudo connection. It takes courage to go that deep. And it takes enormous commitment to stay present with all that comes up. But my God, so worth it. If the very core of who I am is longing to be one with all, and I REMEMBER that I am, who will I be in the world? That “knowing” will drive my every action. That is, until I forget again.
Anyway, today was my Dad and Anne’s wedding and it was perfect. They had a casual ceremony filled with lots of love on the roof of the Santa Barbara courthouse, where My Grandfather was a judge. As we were walking up, my Dad spoke fondly of his late Father and for a moment I thought I could feel my his presence. I smiled …
Much love until more, xo
Original Post Date July 26, 2008. Re-posted per request.
