I recently joined an online dating site. Oy. What to post, the pressure to respond, the confusion when you have a few good dates (and then nada), and the sheer entertainment of everything in between. Literally received an email that said, “Call Fed-Ex; you’re the total package!”

It’s all very fascinating. I’m enjoying it, and definitely don’t feel in a hurry for true love (wouldn’t that be ironic), but what’s been profoundly interesting is how underrated honesty seems to be on these things. For starters, I’m 38 and actually posted my age. Almost everyone told me to lie and say I was younger so that men who are in their early forties (my ideal range) would respond, and then either mention the truth in my profile or tell him when we meet. Can you imagine? Uh, no. My guy doesn’t get caught up on a number and isn’t paranoid that every single 38-year-old woman is desperate to get married, so she’ll take what she can get. Ha, as if. Moreover, my guy gets turned on by integrity so lying would be a non-starter. That said, I put it all out there, and while I do receive more emails from 50-something-year-old men than anyone, I also get a healthy dose of everything else. Turns out, some people like to live outside the line.

Anyway, this one guy wrote me a thoughtful and articulate email that reflected he did, in fact, read my profile. I was intrigued, but he didn’t have any photos posted. Fair is fair and obviously I wanted to see who was writing me so I wrote back telling him the same. He sent me a few photos, along with another really nice note. But, I didn’t feel a spark. I tried, I promise. Believe me, I know that an instant physical attraction isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. So, there I was, tipping my Mac upside down, then upside right, zoomed in, then way out, but no … couldn’t strike a chord. I felt bad. Here this guy took the time to send me three photos and if I didn’t respond, that would be awful. Especially considering the particular dating site I’m on indicates the last time you logged in, so it wasn’t reasonable to assume he’d actually think I’d fallen off a cliff or something. What to do? No … what would I want someone to do for me, if the tables were turned. I decided to be honest. I wrote back and thanked him for sending me the photos. Told him I really appreciated his note and that, while most people wouldn’t say anything at all, I couldn’t bear the alternative, which was to leave him hanging. And then I told him that I was sorry, but that I just didn’t feel a chemistry spark. I also said that I’m sure he was a great guy and I knew his match was out there, wished him well, etc … and I meant every word. Now, when I saw that he replied, I’ll admit I was nervous to open his email. Would he say I was shallow? Superficial? Ask for another shot? Tell me off, what. I didn’t know, but what he did write, I could never have imagined:

“Hi Michelle, thanks for replying, you are right, most people wouldn’t say anything, and maybe I would do the same. I fully understand you, (or maybe not) but unfortunately it’s irrelevant because there’s no second chance for a first impression. I just have to say one last thing: Now I think that you are not just beautiful on the outside, you are probably even more beautiful on the inside, for being honest with me. Thank you. If you meet your guy, actually when you meet him, show him this email, I can only tell him to stop buying lottery tickets; he just won the jackpot. I wish you all the best.”

Wow. That made me go back to his pictures to BE SURE I couldn’t find a spark! But, nope; nothing. Still, his email totally moved me. I didn’t tell him my thoughts for cudos. I told him because it was the right thing thing to do. It requires little effort to be straight with people, yet the end result is so fulfilling, and ultimately everything worth living for. I could’ve easily blown him off (and justified it for obvious reasons), but to treat a person (even a dating profile, whom I sometimes forget is actually a human being), with utter kindness, is highly underrated. Seems so small and insignificant, but nothing ever is. You get what you give.

December 3rd, 2009 | Category: Uncategorized | Subscribe to comments | Leave a comment | Trackback URL